The Connection Gap
(Part 1: The Problem We're Not Talking About)
Last month I wrote about giving ourselves permission to fail and try again. This month, I want to talk about a different kind of struggle that's just as common but far less acknowledged: workplace loneliness.
I was at a professional conference recently. Over three hundred people. Non-stop networking. Breakout sessions filled with animated conversations about AI, strategy, innovation.
I felt completely isolated.
Everyone was performing. Polished LinkedIn versions of themselves. Talking about wins, sharing insights, making connections. But nothing felt real. Nothing went beneath the surface.
Then I realised I was doing exactly the same thing. Smiling, nodding, keeping it surface-level.
So, during a quiet moment, I sat down with someone and asked: "How are you actually doing?
She paused. Really paused. Then: "Honestly? I'm struggling a bit."
What followed was the only genuine conversation I had all day.
The Other Side of Remote Work
Last week I spoke with someone who's deliberately travelling three hours a day just to be in an office with actual people. Not because his company requires it. Because working from home was making him feel invisible.
He told me: "I can go entire days without a single real conversation. Just Slack messages and Zoom calls where everyone's on mute."
This is the paradox we're living in. Some of us feel lonely in rooms full of people. Others feel lonely in empty rooms, staring at screens.
We’ve heard the rumblings of a loneliness epidemic, but it's not just affecting people at home. It's happening in our offices, our meetings, our teams.
Research from the Campaign to End Loneliness shows that workplace loneliness has increased 37% since 2020. Hybrid working has created what researchers call "proximity without presence."
We see colleagues on screens or in passing, but rarely connect in meaningful ways.
Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad's work reveals something sobering: workplace loneliness creates health risks equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
This isn't melodrama. It's measurable harm.
But here's what gives me hope: her research also shows that just one genuine connection at work can buffer against these negative effects. Just one.
So what Stops Us From Really Connecting?
Why don't we say ‘hi’ or engage with the people around us?
I think there are three main barriers:
1. Performance mode. We've been trained to show up polished and capable. Admitting struggle feels like professional risk.
2. Time scarcity. Surface-level interactions are faster. Going deeper feels indulgent when deadlines loom.
3. Skill gap. Many of us simply don't know how to move beyond "I'm fine" without it feeling awkward.
One Question That Changes Things
After that conference, I've been experimenting with one simple practice: asking better questions.
Not "How are you?" (reflex answer: "Fine")
But "How are you, really?"
Then the crucial bit: wait. Don't fill the silence. Give them space to move past the automatic response.
I've tried this with friends, with course participants, even with parents on the school run. What I've discovered is that most people are actually desperate to be asked. They just need permission (and a little nudge).
What Happens Next
Of course, asking the question is only half the conversation. What do you do when someone actually answers? When they share something real and you're suddenly in deeper water than you expected?
That's what I want to explore next month in Part 2 of this series.
How do we hold space well?
&
What does it actually look like to be present with someone who's struggling?
For now, here's your practice for April:
Ask someone "How are you, really?” Then stay for the answer.
See what happens.
P.S. Mental Health Awareness Week is coming up (May 12-18). If you're looking for a speaker, planning Lunch & Learns or MHFA courses, drop me an email and let me know what you're after. (My diary works on a first come first served basis, so please don't hesitate)
Next month: Part 2
I’m going to explore how we respond when someone opens up. What to say, what not to say, and why being present matters more than having answers.
Research citations:
Campaign to End Loneliness (2023). Workplace Loneliness Report
Holt-Lunstad, J. et al. (2015). "Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality." Perspectives on Psychological Science
