The Connection Gap - Part 2
How to Hold Space When Someone Opens Up
May 12th-18th is Mental Health Awareness Week, and it feels like the perfect moment to reflect on the journey we've been on together since January.
We started with Actual Intelligence (the human skills that make work meaningful, not just another app or AI tool). Then we talked about continuous learning (why one training session isn't enough). We explored sustainable goal-setting (the 50-book trap and the power of setting the floor, not the ceiling). We gave ourselves permission to fail and try again (because failure is data, not identity).
And last month, we named something many of us feel but rarely discuss: workplace loneliness. The isolation that exists even in full rooms, even on busy Zoom calls.
I asked you to try one thing: ask someone "How are you, really?" Then wait for the actual answer.
Which brings us to today's challenge: what do you do when they actually answer?
When Someone Opens Up
Here's a story from one of my training sessions that perfectly captures this. They saw their colleague had been struggling. Everyone could see it, but no one quite knew what to say. So, as expected most people said nothing, or offered the usual "Let me know if there's anything I can do" (which, let's be honest, rarely leads anywhere).
But this person asked: "How are you really doing?"
And their colleague answered. Actually answered. Shared something difficult, something personal, something vulnerable.
Yet they didn't panic. Didn't jump to advice. Didn't try to fix it or minimise it or reassure them that "it'll all work out."
They just said: "Tell me more."
Then they stayed. Present. Listening.
That's what I mean by holding the space.
Why This Is So Hard
Most of us (if we care) have a powerful instinct to fix things. When someone shares pain or struggle, we immediately want to:
Jump to solutions: "Have you tried...?" "What you should do is..."
Offer reassurance: "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think"
Minimise: "Everyone goes through this" or "At least you're not..."
Share our own story: "Oh, that reminds me of when I..."
None of these are malicious. We genuinely want to help. But what often happens is the person closes back up. They feel dismissed, or like they've burdened you, or like their experience doesn't quite count.
Holding space means resisting the fixing instinct and simply being present with someone in their discomfort.
What Holding Space Actually Looks Like
1. Listen Without Fixing
Your job isn't to solve their problem. It's to witness their experience. Ask questions that help them process: "What's that like for you?" or "How long has this been going on?" Rather than offering solutions, help them explore their own thinking.
2. Stay Present in the Discomfort
When someone shares something painful, silence often follows. Don't rush to fill it. Sit with it (I find counting to 10 in my head helps). Your willingness to stay in that uncomfortable space communicates: "This isn't too much for me. You're not too much for me."
3. Acknowledge Without Dismissing
Simple phrases work: "That sounds really hard" or "I can see why you're struggling with this." You're not agreeing or disagreeing with their assessment. You're acknowledging their reality.
4. Ask What They Need
Sometimes people just need to vent. Sometimes they want advice. Sometimes they need practical help. Don't assume. Ask: "What would be most helpful right now?"
5. Know Your Limits
Please remember. Unless you are trained you’re not a therapist. If someone is in crisis, or if the situation is beyond your capacity, it's okay to say: "I'm glad you told me. I think this might need more support than I can offer. Can we talk about who else might help?"
This is the foundation of Mentality, and then deepened in Mental Health First Aid training.
Not fixing. Not rescuing. Just showing up with presence and creating space for someone to be heard.
"Your Challenge This Mental Health Awareness Week"
Practice holding space for one person this week.
It might be a colleague who's been quieter than usual. A friend who keeps saying they're "fine" but clearly isn't. A family member navigating something difficult.
Ask the question: "How are you, really?"
Then do the hardest thing: just listen.
Don't fix. Don't minimise. Don't fill the silence.
Just be there.
What I'm Learning
I'm discovering that the most powerful thing we can offer each other isn't advice or solutions. It's the willingness to sit with someone in their struggle without trying to make it go away.
Sometimes people don't need their problem solved. They just need to know they're not alone in it.
That's what connection actually looks like.
I'd genuinely love to know: have you ever had someone hold space for you in this way? What did it feel like? And what makes it hard for you to do this for others?
For those of you who are new to these blogs:
I am Peter Larkum, award-winning Mental Health First Aid instructor, neurodiversity specialist and the creator of Mentality. I’ve spent over 20 years supporting and transforming the way people and organisations approach workplace mental health and inclusion. This month marks Mental Health Awareness Week (May 12-18), and I'm exploring what it really means to create workplaces where people feel genuinely connected.
