When Vulnerability Isn't Safe (And What to Do Instead)
Last month I wrote about holding space and how to be present when someone opens up. Thank you to those who responded, there were some beautiful stories of connection, meaningful conversations, and I believe lives genuinely changed because someone asking "how are you, really?"
But, in honesty, not every response was positive.
Several people shared how their workplace would punish this. Matt was one of these people.
So, I owe him and you a more honest conversation.
The School Run Conversation
Matt caught me as I was dropping the boys off last week. "Can we talk? I tried that thing you wrote about."
We grabbed coffee and took the long route home.
He'd read my May email about asking deeper questions. Felt brave. Asked his manager: "How are you really doing with the restructure?"
His manager's response? "I'm fine. Why are you asking? Do you have concerns about my performance?"
The conversation went downhill from there. By the end of the week, Matt was being excluded from key meetings and felt the message was clear: We don't do vulnerable here.
The Hard Truth
I know not every workplace is psychologically safe. There are toxic workplaces out there. I did a whole 12 month series on it in 2024. Some companies punish honesty. Others create cultures where vulnerability is weaponised and used against you in performance reviews, passed around as gossip, or held as evidence you're "not coping."
If you're in one of these environments, the advice to "be more vulnerable" isn't just unhelpful. It could be dangerous for your career.
So how do we discern the difference?
Three Questions for Psychological Safety
Before opening up at work, ask yourself:
Has vulnerability been rewarded or punished here before? Watch how leadership responds when someone admits struggle. Do they support or sideline?
Does this person have my best interests at heart? Trust your instincts. If someone has used information against you before, they’ll likely do it again.
What's the risk-benefit calculation? Sometimes sharing is worth the risk. Sometimes it genuinely isn't.
What to Do in Unsafe Environments
If you've determined your workplace isn't safe for vulnerability:
Protect yourself first. You're not being "inauthentic" by maintaining professional boundaries. You're being wise.
Find positive connections elsewhere. Seek support from friends, family, mentors outside your organisation. You still need to be known—just not necessarily by your manager.
Document everything. If your workplace punishes honesty, you need records. Emails, meeting notes, performance reviews. Protect yourself.
Consider your options. Sometimes the healthiest thing is planning an exit strategy. Life's too short for cultures that damage you.
Know it's not your fault. Toxic cultures exist. You didn't create them, and you can't fix them alone.
A Note on Neurodiversity
Everything I’ve just mentioned becomes even more complex for neurodivergent colleagues. What neurotypical managers might view as "professional disclosure" can feel like admitting a deficit rather than naming a difference. The fear of being labeled "difficult" or "high-maintenance" is real, and often justified by past experience.
If you're neurodivergent and navigating this: your support needs are legitimate, but only you can judge whether your workplace will honor them or hold them against you.
The Permission You Need
If my May content made you feel like you should be vulnerable everywhere with everyone, I apologise. That wasn't my intent, but I see how it could have come across that way.
Vulnerability is only powerful when it's chosen, not coerced.
You get to decide who knows you. You get to protect yourself in environments that don't protect you.
That's not weakness. That's wisdom.
Your Challenge This Month
Take an honest inventory: Is your workplace psychologically safe?
If yes, keep building those connections.
If no, what boundaries do you need to maintain to protect yourself?
And either way: where can you find genuine support?
Next month, I'll talk about what sustainable excellence looks like when we honour our limits instead of pushing through them.
